when you are the one who cares the most, waiting is painful
when you are the only one who cares, waiting is piercing
when you have faith that can move mountains, waiting is invaluable
when you long for something that is not yours to begin with, waiting is wasting
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Monday, February 01, 2010
bad memory
i just a had terrible memory a moment ago. i know this person for twelve years and have worked along side the person for eight years. let's just assume this person's name is Rocka. one day i was facing a challenge and decided to give the person a chance to speak into my life. in all sincerety, my intention was just to be transparent and allow this person to touch base with what was currently going on in my life since i rarely had the chance to speak to Rocka. I didn't necessarily need advice to solve the problem at all.
i spoke to Rocka regarding the situation and wondered what would be the best option for me. Before listening to the situation in its entirety, Rocka suggested i turn the matter over to someone else who has experienced this before. i felt so hurt. at the time of this conversation, i have known this person for nine years and yet, Rocka never knew that i have been involove in situations like this countless times before. i actually took training on how to handle those type of situations.
it crushed my heart that Rocka did not know much about me at all and had no confidence in my ability despite the length of time Rock "knew" me. i was discouraged. i gave up on finding opportunities to share the ongoings of my life with Rocka. soon, my replies to "how are you doing" became the usual facade of "i'm doing good."
of course, being true to myself, i automatically assumed that perhaps it was my fault. maybe i wasn't transparent enough. maybe i never gave the opportunity for Rocka to really get to know who i am. i mean, Rock is one busy person who knew everyone in the neighborhood. I wondered where, when and how did i miss out on those previous opportunities. then i realized, i was never much of a talker. i am usually the responder. i don't know what to say unless the person asked me a question. i laid the blame on myself entirely.
what made the memory worse is when i realized that there are people in my life who have not share every single facts about their life with me, but i am aware of what they are capable of. i know their likes and dislikes. i am aware of their current identity and situations. most of the knowledge came through observations. i am an observer. i observe and actively involve myself in their lives. it's because i care enough to invest my time with them. soon, the devil spoke to me. "well, i wonder why Rocka didn't do the same even though Rocka seem to do it for everyone else. maybe Rocka just didn't care enough to invest the time to observe you."
it was an extremely painful moment and memory because i still care and admire Rock. i just learned to not expect anything anymore. maybe i have not learned to let go of the pain yet. maybe that is why the memory keeps coming back to me. well, i choose today to let it go in jesus' name. i choose to forgive Rocka and myself for the sake of jesus christ.
i spoke to Rocka regarding the situation and wondered what would be the best option for me. Before listening to the situation in its entirety, Rocka suggested i turn the matter over to someone else who has experienced this before. i felt so hurt. at the time of this conversation, i have known this person for nine years and yet, Rocka never knew that i have been involove in situations like this countless times before. i actually took training on how to handle those type of situations.
it crushed my heart that Rocka did not know much about me at all and had no confidence in my ability despite the length of time Rock "knew" me. i was discouraged. i gave up on finding opportunities to share the ongoings of my life with Rocka. soon, my replies to "how are you doing" became the usual facade of "i'm doing good."
of course, being true to myself, i automatically assumed that perhaps it was my fault. maybe i wasn't transparent enough. maybe i never gave the opportunity for Rocka to really get to know who i am. i mean, Rock is one busy person who knew everyone in the neighborhood. I wondered where, when and how did i miss out on those previous opportunities. then i realized, i was never much of a talker. i am usually the responder. i don't know what to say unless the person asked me a question. i laid the blame on myself entirely.
what made the memory worse is when i realized that there are people in my life who have not share every single facts about their life with me, but i am aware of what they are capable of. i know their likes and dislikes. i am aware of their current identity and situations. most of the knowledge came through observations. i am an observer. i observe and actively involve myself in their lives. it's because i care enough to invest my time with them. soon, the devil spoke to me. "well, i wonder why Rocka didn't do the same even though Rocka seem to do it for everyone else. maybe Rocka just didn't care enough to invest the time to observe you."
it was an extremely painful moment and memory because i still care and admire Rock. i just learned to not expect anything anymore. maybe i have not learned to let go of the pain yet. maybe that is why the memory keeps coming back to me. well, i choose today to let it go in jesus' name. i choose to forgive Rocka and myself for the sake of jesus christ.
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