Eulogy

This is a Eulogy I did for my speech class. it is only 3 1/2 minutes long. i hope to live out this life and make it a reality. Disclaimer: all names are fake except for mine.

Ronsaren was as unique as her name. We all had a little trouble pronouncing it the first time we met her, but now, her name will always flow sweetly from our lips and her smile and laughter forged into our memories.

Thank you everyone for being here today to remember and honor the life of Ronsaren Chhem Sekani.

Most of you, like me, have come to know Ronsaren as Momma Saren. I had gone through six foster homes before being placed in Momma Saren’s home. The first day I met her, she smiled and laughed and I thought to myself: well, she won’t be laughing long now that I’m here. No one did.

That night after dinner, Momma Saren and Poppa Taj talked to me after putting the boys to sleep. I knew the drill already. They were just going to lay the down the rules and tell me to behave while I was here and blah blah blah.

To my surprise, Momma Saren said this to me:

Christine, we could never imagine how much you had to go through before coming here from the little bits told to us. What we do know is this heart represents you and you’re life’s experience. We can never understand the depth of pain and hurt you went through even if we tried. Right now, you might be like this. (breaks heart)
It looks depressing to think that your life is in broken pieces but everyone goes through some things that will cause cracks in their heart. Taj and I both experienced it and you have experienced it in your own way. We don’t have the power to fix it and we’re not gonna pretend to. But the good news is that we know someone who does. His name is Jesus. Every day that you are living here, you will have many chances to learn about him and we look forward to the day when you allow him to heal and mend your heart whole once again because you are that precious and worthy to him.

Momma Saren taught me and many others who were blessed to live in her home, that broken hearts from broken homes does not define a broken destiny. He can and He has made us whole again.

And you know what? Momma Saren never stopped smiling or laughing because she held onto this truth. “Today is the day the Lord has made, so rejoice and be glad in it.” Ps 118:24

Remember the song she loved to sing?

Father you’re all I need
My soul’s sufficiency
My strength when I am weak
The love that carries me
Your arms enfold me
Till I am only
A child of God

Today we are sadden that she is not with us anymore. But I am sure Momma Saren wanted us to celebrate with her becuase today is the day the Lord has made and we should be glad and rejoice knowing that Momma Saren is where she wanted to be most; As a child in the arms of her Heavenly Father.

psalm 19:7-10

psalm 19: 7-10

7 The law of the Lord is perfect, [3]reviving the soul; the testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple;
8 the precepts of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes;
9 the fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever; the rules [4] of the Lord are true, and righteous altogether.
10 More to be desired are they than gold, even much fine gold; sweeter also than honey and drippings of the honeycomb.

It is always captivating to me to know that God covers every area of our needs…reviving the soul, wisening our simple minds, rejoicing the heart, enlightening the eyes…

This is one of my “gold collection” verses. Any verse that states living for God is more precious than gold, I write it down and keep it close to my heart. It reminds me that though the world will kill each other to gain wealth; my wealth is something that is eternal and can never be stolen from me. I am exhilarated today to read Psalm 19 again. My soul is lightened and therefore, I can rejoice and give praise to my Lord who gives me life and meaning to it.

Soul Ties

Sexual intimacy ties the soul of one person to another. I decided to stick my foot where the boundary of kissing is. I had a debate with a sixteen years old today, who have lived the life and experienced everything one can with another individual. She asked me how I felt about kissing and I told her that I didn’t think any man should kiss me unless he was my husband. You know I’m not talking about a peck on the cheek used for greetings. I am saving myself for the man I will someday marry because I want to give it to him as a gift. If sex is the act of soul tying, then I would say that kissing is the doorway to that soul tying. Why would I allow someone who I have no intentions of being bound together with, come through my door? Even if I did have the intention, he isn’t my husband until the day I marry him. Yes, even though I am months into the engagement period with him, he still isn’t my husband yet. Doesn’t kissing incite the desire to go further with the person? Being around the person whom I like is already stirring emotions that I can’t control. I don’t even have the notion to want to push it away. What would happen to me if I allow someone to kiss me? I definitely do not want to awaken something inside of me that will freely run like the doe and gazelles in the fields (check out songs of Solomon ya’ll). Call it self-preservation and protection if you will, but I truly don’t want the sickness of heart when my hope has been deferred (prov. 13:12). Just because our society sees it as a trivial matter, doesn’t mean that God has change his mind on the matter. People changes the price tag of purity with the time, but God's price tag never changes.

Some people may laugh at me and disagree with me, but I will make my husband feel blessed beyond measures by giving him my untouched lips. I will forgive his past experiences the same way God forgives his sin through Christ. We will run through the fields together and awaken passions instilled in us by God together. We will run the course like the free doe and gazelles in the field when we tie our souls together. In doing so, he will know the magnanimity of God’s sovereign love and grace for him. Cause you know what? It wasn’t about me to begin with. hahahha

waiting

when you are the one who cares the most, waiting is painful
when you are the only one who cares, waiting is piercing
when you have faith that can move mountains, waiting is invaluable
when you long for something that is not yours to begin with, waiting is wasting

bad memory

i just a had terrible memory a moment ago. i know this person for twelve years and have worked along side the person for eight years. let's just assume this person's name is Rocka. one day i was facing a challenge and decided to give the person a chance to speak into my life. in all sincerety, my intention was just to be transparent and allow this person to touch base with what was currently going on in my life since i rarely had the chance to speak to Rocka. I didn't necessarily need advice to solve the problem at all.

i spoke to Rocka regarding the situation and wondered what would be the best option for me. Before listening to the situation in its entirety, Rocka suggested i turn the matter over to someone else who has experienced this before. i felt so hurt. at the time of this conversation, i have known this person for nine years and yet, Rocka never knew that i have been involove in situations like this countless times before. i actually took training on how to handle those type of situations.

it crushed my heart that Rocka did not know much about me at all and had no confidence in my ability despite the length of time Rock "knew" me. i was discouraged. i gave up on finding opportunities to share the ongoings of my life with Rocka. soon, my replies to "how are you doing" became the usual facade of "i'm doing good."

of course, being true to myself, i automatically assumed that perhaps it was my fault. maybe i wasn't transparent enough. maybe i never gave the opportunity for Rocka to really get to know who i am. i mean, Rock is one busy person who knew everyone in the neighborhood. I wondered where, when and how did i miss out on those previous opportunities. then i realized, i was never much of a talker. i am usually the responder. i don't know what to say unless the person asked me a question. i laid the blame on myself entirely.

what made the memory worse is when i realized that there are people in my life who have not share every single facts about their life with me, but i am aware of what they are capable of. i know their likes and dislikes. i am aware of their current identity and situations. most of the knowledge came through observations. i am an observer. i observe and actively involve myself in their lives. it's because i care enough to invest my time with them. soon, the devil spoke to me. "well, i wonder why Rocka didn't do the same even though Rocka seem to do it for everyone else. maybe Rocka just didn't care enough to invest the time to observe you."

it was an extremely painful moment and memory because i still care and admire Rock. i just learned to not expect anything anymore. maybe i have not learned to let go of the pain yet. maybe that is why the memory keeps coming back to me. well, i choose today to let it go in jesus' name. i choose to forgive Rocka and myself for the sake of jesus christ.

Active Heart

it hurts. it jumps. it lives.
my cries. my faith. my God.

my journey. my desires. my identity.
it wars. it's yearning. it's established.

empty randomness

(1) i watched a movie online about a strict teacher who would not compromise the way she taught though the students and other board members thought it outlandish and cruel. she told them the harsh reality of life and emphasized the importance of studying. she said:

"studying should not be something you must do, but what you do to become a great person"

(2) i arrived early for my meeting today and stood on the veranda that provided a wonderful view of the valley. i can see the top of the mountain on the east, the mountain on the north, and the valley. what an amazing view it was. the sunshine on my tilt face warming up my skin from the morning cold. the peaceful air surrounding me because no one was around yet with their poisonous, obnoxious cigarette smokes. i thought to myself: would i have enjoyed this moment the way that i am now if i didn't believe in Jesus Christ? would i have enjoyed this moment now if my life was going the way it should be? i am a shell. within me is the breath of life. i am a temple. i am made for worship. i am ronsaren. i belong to God.
after that, i said amen and headed toward the crowd of people behind me who have gathered while i was pondering these thoughts. i walked through the door and shook my head. i am...one complex confusion.